Inadequacy: The Word No Guy Ever Wants to Be Associated With

What's Inadequacy:

Whether it’s providing as a husband or father, your performance in bed, playing sports with friends, or hitting the jackpot at work, no guy ever wants to feel as if he’s consistently missing the mark.  

This feeling plagues so many of us in our daily lives. Feeling inadequate is one of the biggest challenges many guys face – believe it or not! It’s like a death sentence that can steal your enjoyment and meaning in life. 

Symptoms

Feelings of inadequacy can show up unannounced in many areas of your life, such as: 

 

Your marriage  – Inadequacy makes you think you’re a failure as a husband.

  • Your parenting – Inadequacy says you aren’t doing enough as a dad even when that’s not true.

  • Your work              – Especially if you earn less than your wife, feelings of inadequacy may scream that you aren’t working                                                              hard enough as a man. 

  • Your relationships – It makes you believe you’re never investing enough or hitting the mark.

 

All these can trigger performance anxiety and, if practiced over a long time, causes a lot of unnecessary stress.   

Prevention

As traditional gender roles shift and the old-school idea of masculinity changes each day, many men have trouble trying to fit in. British Broadcasting Corporation’s The Male Room shares a few thoughts that might help prevent the feeling of inadequacy:

 

1. Connect with a friend or mentor: To combat the feeling of inadequacy, you can connect with a friend or even a men’s group and share how you’re feeling. If you prefer one-on-one kind interaction, a mentor may be more effective. Don’t buy into society’s lie that men can’t share their feelings. 

  

2. Every man is on a learning path: There’s a lot of pressure to act in a certain manly way or to adopt traditional masculine norms, whether it’s breadwinning or leadership.  Rather than being crushed by the weight of condemnation that you ‘just don’t get it,’ step onto a deliberate learning path to becoming the man God intends you to be.  

 

3. Connect with your vulnerable side: Most men detest the idea of appearing vulnerable. For many years we’ve been told that it makes us seem weak.  In fact, it does the opposite. Practicing vulnerability not only helps you but also strengthens relationships, improves mental health, and improves the quality of life. Being vulnerable also takes away the overwhelming pressure that you must do life on your own.

 

4. Be open to change: Growing up with emotionally distant dads or families where discussing feelings seemed “weird” may have conditioned us to be emotionally mute as adults. Likewise, living or working in a toxic macho atmosphere makes it more likely to imitate those behaviors. Jules Evans talks about working with the Saracens Rugby Club, which had a highly combative, unsupportive ‘banterish’ mindset – without success on the field. Jules helped them become more open, more supportive, and discuss feelings with each other.  Guess what. They started winning more games.

 

Being open to change may look different for each man based on the cultural norms he learned growing up.  The idea is to look at life from a fresh perspective and do what works best to affirm your purpose as a man. The truth is most men are looking for someone with whom they can be open. Don’t let judgemental bravado prevent you from finding your circle. 

Treatment

With every sickness that occurs in life, there is usually a treatment for healing and restoration. While some may require a simple tablet for a few days, others may require surgery and a season for recovery before you regain your strength. 

The problem is that most of us find it hard even to admit we’re suffering. Plus, there’s the ever-present ego that has a way of blindsiding us. The truth is, only you can determine if you want to change, and if you do, here are a few steps you can take:

 

1. Identify the root cause: 

Were you seen or noticed as a child? What might be an area that triggers the feeling of not being enough or not feeling like you’re good enough?

Sometimes it started long ago and has morphed into something new, so it may take some time to figure out what’s at the root—no need to rush. Identifying the source can take a little while, especially if you’re not used to digging through your junk or processing your emotions. 

 

2. Process It: 

Process with someone you consider to be mature and can help you be objective. Perhaps a friend, mentor, or counselor.

 

3. Replace It:

Once you’ve located the root cause, what will you use to replace it? For example, what goes through your mind when you feel the most secure? Identifying that thought process or other habits you do when you’re secure will give you a window into how you can replace inadequacy.

 

4. Implementing Boundaries:

Anyone who has had major surgery or any significant life transformation experience knows that they can’t live the way they used to. One way to keep you from returning to your old self is to create boundaries. Consider writing out specific declarations that will mentally bind you to your transformation. For example, write out the words “I Am Enough” and use that as the screensaver on your phone or computer.  It may reaffirm to you each time you doubt that you’re capable of succeeding in a particular area. It also challenges you to reject thoughts that come to condemn you.  If you’re a Christian, you may write out specific verses of scripture and declare them over your life or post them in a place where you most need to be reminded of them. 

 

If this post was helpful for you, please let me know your most valuable takeaway or what else you would add to it. Do you have a friend who needs to see this post? Share it with them. 

Take it easy bro, 

 

 

By God’s grace you have what it takes to love and lead yourself and your family well.