4 Emotional Pain That Cause Men to Get Stuck in A Rut
Our ability as husbands and fathers to identify the pain we are feeling and how to differentiate those pain will determine how successful we are in our marriage and parenting. So, what kind of pain are you feeling, and how is it hindering you from being the man you want to be?
Is the cause of your pain:
1. Identity – unsure about who you are / your purpose?
2. Emotional hurt – deep wounds from the past that you kept sweeping under the mat, but it keeps resurfacing?
3. Inadequacy – never feeling like what you do is good enough?
4. Father wound – lack of love, affirmation, or validation from your father growing up?
We can identify these pain points and develop the language to communicate them effectively in our relationships so our partners can support us in our healing process. Intentionally working through our pain points help us address our issues more effectively, grow from them, and learn skills we can pass on to our sons.
I didn’t realise I had emotional wounds from my childhood that affected me even in recent years. These were not always “major wounds”, but they still affect how I process life in other areas. I remember being at my piano recitals and various sports events where my Dad wasn’t there to cheer me on and affirm what I had done. It wasn’t because he didn’t want to attend. The responsibility of providing for me and my siblings outweighed his showing up. I would think up excuses on his behalf, but each time it happened, it was as if I was reliving the pain of him not being there. I felt this, especially when other classmates had their parents around giving them a high five or other gestures to affirm their efforts. Eventually, I got accustomed to my Dad being absent and found ways to mask the pain. I replaced it with other survival mechanisms.
A friend of mine who is well established in medicine shared with me that no matter what he did, he never felt like he could please his father. The main reason he became a doctor was to feel a sense of value and worth in his father’s eyes, and yet, in the end still never received this affirmation from his Dad. His father died before he graduated med school, and he’s at a place where he wonders, was it all worth it? He still has a void to fill to hear those words from his Dad validating his worth and his efforts. I’m sure you too have stories of similar experiences like these and how they might have caused you to get stuck in a rut in some regions of your life, right? The main thing is to learn how to heal and grow new muscles in these areas by working through these pain points.
Taking the time to work through my issues has given me the freedom to love, empower and lead my family so much better than I could imagine. However, the problem with these types of pain is that it will hurt to address them. We don’t want to remember that they exist, so we lock them away and, in doing so, underestimate how our wounds can cripple us and, by extension, the growth of our family or significant other.
But I get it; it’s hard to talk about pain points because they may trigger a sense of shame or require us to become vulnerable about how we truly feel. It’s as if you’re reliving the pain all over again. When we experience pain, we either attack or withdraw – we enter a fight or flight mode – to protect ourselves. While this is an excellent primal instinct to protect your family if a burglar breaks into your home, it’s not how we are to live every day. That means being in tune with our emotions without associating “feelings” with femininity because if you can’t feel, you’re not truly alive.
Moving Forward
Identifying pain points requires us to pause and take the time to process our internal blockages. Men process differently, so do what works for you. It could be going for a weekend camping by yourself or with a good friend who can help you process or simply going for a long walk to process what’s triggering you. If most of us were to take the “junk radar” test, we would realise that we have a lot of junk backed up in our system that’s hindering us from showing up as a better man. Deep inside, every man wants this.
Why go through all this gutting and detox?
Surely you could keep going on living your life, right? The truth is, the process is not about you only. It’s about you modelling what it means to be whole—your sons and daughters can learn from you how to have vulnerable conversations.
It’s about taking time off to spend with your wife, so she knows that you are emotionally present and capable of hearing her needs and responding to them. It’s about helping you show up each day as the best version of yourself because you have the tools and know-how to use them so you can love and lead your family well.
Suppose we fight to overcome these battles today? We could create pathways for our children to build better marriages and families. All it takes is one step in the right direction restoring and rebuilding areas in your life where you felt stuck.
Take it easy bro,
By God’s grace, you have what it takes to love and lead your family well.