You can care deeply about your family and still have things you need to face in yourself.
That tension runs through my conversation with Glenn Stanton on The Climb. We talk about marriage, the friendships men need, and what Glenn learned through the painful breakdown of his first marriage. He speaks as someone who studies family life and someone who has had to walk through its difficulties personally.
Watch the full conversation on YouTube
What are you building your marriage on?
Glenn offers a distinction that stayed with me: marriage as a cornerstone or a capstone.
In the capstone picture, marriage comes after everything else is in place. The education, career and finances are settled; then a spouse is added to the life you have built. In the cornerstone picture, two people commit to building a life together, learning and growing through the work that follows.
In the cornerstone picture, two people commit to building a life together, learning and growing through the work that follows.
For men who are already married, that raises a useful question: am I still building a shared life with my wife?
It is possible to live in the same house while treating our goals, worries and responsibilities as separate projects. Glenn brings the conversation back to the commitment to love, serve and grow alongside another person.
Expectations can make it harder to see the person in front of you
Glenn challenges the habit of bringing a consumer mindset into relationships. We can become so focused on whether a spouse meets our expectations that we stop asking what we are prepared to give.
His point is practical: marriage involves two imperfect people. Learning to love someone includes listening, adjusting and taking responsibility for the ways our own behaviour affects them.
Later in the conversation, he returns to the importance of appreciating his wife as a different person. Her concerns may not be his concerns. That does not make them unimportant. Understanding her perspective takes attention and a willingness to ask what he might be missing.
Brotherhood needs room for honesty
I asked Glenn about the loneliness many men experience and why deeper friendships can be so difficult to build.
He points to authenticity and transparency. Men need relationships where they can talk honestly about the things they are struggling with: marriage, fatherhood, work, shame and the parts of their past that still affect them.
Those friendships also need trust. A good brother can hear something difficult without turning it into gossip. He can offer encouragement and tell you a truth you would rather avoid.
Glenn describes a small circle of friends who helped him through his divorce. Their support mattered. So did the honest feedback he received from people who knew and cared about him.
Who knows enough about your struggles to help you carry them?
Facing your part without losing your sense of worth
When Glenn speaks about his divorce, he acknowledges his responsibility in the relationship’s difficulties. He describes the loss, the slow process of finding his footing and the support that helped him keep going.
He also makes a distinction between taking responsibility and allowing the breakdown of a relationship to define your entire worth. His faith, his identity as a father and his friendships gave him something to hold onto through a long and painful season.
There is no quick resolution offered here. That is part of what makes the conversation worth hearing. Glenn leaves room for the reality that healing can take time.
Keep the long view with your children
For fathers navigating separation or strained relationships with their children, Glenn speaks about playing the long game. He describes trying to meet his children’s hurt with kindness and holding onto hope for restoration.
He does not claim that a father can control when a relationship heals. His emphasis is on the way a man continues to show up: with patience, care and a willingness to face his own contribution to the hurt.
Toward the end, we also talk about tending to resentment before it accumulates in a marriage. The invitation is to pay attention to what is happening between you and your spouse, including the things you might be tempted to dismiss.
This week
Consider one conversation you have been putting off. It might be with your wife, a trusted friend or someone who can help you see yourself more clearly.